


born to be

by outphan



Series: the kindness project [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Coming Out, Coming of Age, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Sad and Happy, Teenagers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-25
Updated: 2020-01-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:01:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22400752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/outphan/pseuds/outphan
Summary: Two boys on opposite ends of a town are about to come out. One goes well, the other, not so much. Then, the two boys, running away from the problems, meet.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Series: the kindness project [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1545310
Comments: 4
Kudos: 51





	born to be

**Author's Note:**

  * For [karcathy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/karcathy/gifts).



> happy birthday cat!! hopefully this isn't too sad!!
> 
> unbetad

The pressure has been building for quite some time. It’s a geyser waiting to erupt, a volcano no longer wanting to sleep. Phil’s been thinking about it for a while now. He knows there’s no good time to do it and he’s tired of waiting, tired of hiding, and most of all, tired of not being authentic.

It’s a sleepy and bitter January Friday night. As Phil heads downstairs, he can see the stars shining brightly through the window. His mum and dad are watching TV in the living room. He kind of hovers for a few seconds then walks in. They look at him, give him a smile and then turn back to whatever programme they’re watching.

“Hey,” he says, voice small and lost. “I’ve got something to say.”

***

On the other side of town, at the exact same moment, another boy is sitting at the dining table. He’s pushing a broccoli with his fork, deep in thought, wondering why he has to listen to his parents’ arguing. He’s fed up and for once, he just wants them to listen.

They don’t ask how school was anymore or how Dan’s doing. They kind of just ignore him, and for the most part, that’s okay. But right now, he’d do anything for some attention, even put up with them asking about his friends.

When he can’t take it anymore, he stands up, knocking the chair over. His parents look at him and his brother is trying not to laugh.

“Where are you going?” Dan’s dad asks.

“Out, or I don’t know.”

“Well, you can’t.”

Dan stares at him, and he decides he’s done. He’s done with all the arguments, all the ignorance, all the stupid jokes.

“I’ve got something to say.”

***

An hour later, Phil finds himself in the nearby park. He doesn’t know why or even how he ended up here. It went surprisingly well with his parents, even if he saw his dad cry. But they hugged him and told him they love him and that’s enough for him.

For a bit, he’s sitting in the darkness like a creepy person, watching the night sky. Urbanisation has ruined everything, he muses, as he only sees the brightest of stars. He’s glad he’s alone but he also knows that it’s not long before the drunken people start having sex in the park. He should go home, he knows that it’s getting late and Buffy is calling his name.

But for some reason, he can’t. Home feels too foreign, too unsafe, even though everything is fine. There’s also something else, something palpable but something he can’t actually conceptualise. Like… he needs to stay for a bit. In this exact spot. 

***

Life is shit, Dan already knows this, but it just got a hell of a lot shitter. He’s running, from home, from his problems, from his parents, from himself even. He doesn’t know where he’s going, but his legs do. He runs and runs and runs, seemingly never wanting to stop until he’s on the other side of the planet.

He ends up in a park, dark and mysterious. He’s barely breathing and he’s not sure if it’s because he’s been running or because his world collapsed on top of him. He wipes his tears with the back of his hand but there’s no use as they keep coming.

He notices drunk people walking in the park, chasing each other or making out pushed against trees. He’s not in the mood for dealing with drunk lads so he does his best to avoid them.

Dan then notices another person on a bench and there’s a strange feeling in his chest like it’s trying to tell him he’s been running towards him.

He wraps his arms around himself, trying to preserve whatever warms he’s got left as he walks over to the bench. He stands there as the stranger notices him. Dan’s sure his tears are clearly visible in the moonlight.

The stranger gives him a small smile and says, “Wanna sit?”

***

Phil is certain he’s about to get murdered. By a crying teenager whose life is seemingly falling apart, but murdered nonetheless.

For a minute, he watches him, trying to figure out if he should try to comfort him at all. He seems sad and lost. Even though Phil’s evening went well, deep down he’s feeling the same things for some inexplicable reason.

“Are you okay?” Phil asks eventually. A safe place to start.

“I don’t know.”

They’re quiet for a bit, then Phil speaks again. “You can tell me what’s wrong.”

The stranger shakes his head and then stands. “Sorry, shouldn’t have bothered you.”

He starts walking away, slow and unsure as if he’s waiting for an answer or reason to keep going or to turn back.

“I came out to my parents tonight,” Phil says abruptly.

Stranger stops. He turns and looks at Phil. “Yeah?”

“It feels so… liberating.”

“Good for you.”

Phil hesitates then says, “I’m Phil and I’m not a murderer so you can sit.”

“I’m Dan,” he says, still from a safe distance.

Phil wonders if he should tell him some more. There’s so much that demands to be said to someone, to the universe and Dan is here. They don’t know each other and he doesn’t know if it makes it easier or harder.

“I feel like a huge weight has been lifted.”

Dan is still standing there, not moving closer, but not moving away, either so Phil considers that to be a win. Eventually, he puts his hands in the pocket of his denim jacket and says, “This will be filled with drug dealers in a minute. You want to get out of here?”

  
  


***

Not far from the park, there’s an unused quarry. It’s been discontinued for decades. Nature has taken back most of it, apart from the parts skaters and bikers hogged. But Dan’s favourite spot is out of sight so he takes Phil there.

He doesn’t know why but he feels there’s a connection there. He was going to leave, but then Phil said he just came out to his parents and Dan realised that this was the reason his legs took him there. There’s a connection, even if they don’t know each other.

They’re quiet on the walk, both deep in thought. There’s a storm inside Dan, maybe bigger and more dangerous than before. But he’s tired, so tired. He’s sad, too, but at least he can deal with that. He knows how to deal with sadness, but there’s one thing he hates: being stuck in limbo.

They sit on the edge of the rocks, feet dangling above the Friday night stoners who hang out in the makeshift skate park. Dan and Phil are sitting close, but they both need it because, at this moment, Dan thinks, they’re each other’s safety nets.

“You came out to your parents?” Dan asks quietly after a few minutes of silence.

“Yeah. It went surprisingly well but I feel like there’s still this tension inside. Like… It sounds stupid but I feel like if I went home right now, I would have to come out all over again.”

“I get what you mean.”

Phil gives him a curious look, but thankfully, he doesn’t push it. “The thing is, I’m… 99.9% certain I’m gay.”

“What about that 0.1%?”

“I’ve… Nevermind, it’s not important. I guess it’s just listening to them, to everyone for years saying ‘oh you’ll settle down with a nice girl’.”

Dan almost laughs but manages to hide it with a cough. “You sound like you’re 40.”

He makes it sound like he’s joking, but seemingly, it’s a much deeper issue on Phil’s part because he sighs. “God, sometimes I wish. I just… Want to be left alone, most of the time, so I can do what I want.”

“I’ll go then,” Dan says, kind of admitting defeat.

“No, don’t.” Phil looks at him, almost looking like he’s seeing Dan for the first time. “You’re…” He trails off, but the kindness in his eyes says it all. “I love my parents, I really do, but I just.” He shrugs and Dan knows.

“You love them and they love you. I reckon this will get easier.”

“Maybe. I just want to get to a part of my life where the story gets good.”

Dan laughs. “You’re like… 15. You’ll need to wait a couple of years, mate.”

“Excuse you, I’m 16.” He gives Dan a small smile. “And you? Are you doing okay?”

***

Dan takes his time to answer. Phil watches his features, his nose, his dark eyelashes. He might be a complete fool most of the time, but even he knows that Dan’s pretty. And it’s doing things to his heart. Tonight is a lot.

“Better, yes,” Dan says eventually. “Okay, I don’t think I’m at that stage yet.”

“You can tell me what happened, you know.”

Dan is quiet again and this time, Phil uses it to look at the stars. They’re on the edge of town, where there are no street lights and he can see the stars better. He’s starting to get cold, but he doesn’t care because this is what he needs right now.

“I came out to my parents too, tonight.”

Phil feels vaguely proud of him. “How did that go?”

“Shit. My dad’s not a very nice person.”

“I’m sorry.”

“But hey, I’m out!” Dan gives him a half-arsed smile. “Ish.”

“Want to talk about it?”

“There’s no point.”

Some kids are shouting down where the skate park is; the cold air carries it up to where Dan and Phil are sitting and for Phil, it feels like the end of their conversation. Dan isn’t ready to talk about, at least not yet, no matter how much Phil wants it. Chances are, they won’t meet after this: Dan doesn’t go to his school nor has he seen him before. 

“I’m freezing.”

“You should go.”

Phil doesn’t move. He wants to make this longer, he’s not quite ready to say goodbye to this obviously very sad and lost stranger. He waits a couple of minutes, hoping Dan will say anything, but it never comes.

“That 0.1% was about me never kissing a boy. Or anyone, really, unless a playground kiss counts when I was like 4.”

Dan doesn’t look at him, but Phil can see the corner of his mouth twitch.

“Do you want me to kiss you, Phil?” He turns to look at him, that sadness masked by playfulness. “Purely for research.”

Phil blushes. Is this what normal teenagers do? He doesn’t know, but he does feel like he’s missed out on some stuff because of the identity crisis. He doesn’t know if he should accept his offer or if he’s allowed to but there is one thing he’s certain of: he wants to kiss Dan.

“You don’t… I mean not unless… If you…”

“Oh, Phil.”

Dan’s lips are soft against his, as if he keeps silently asking him ‘is this okay?’. It is. It’s not a good kiss, Phil knows that, seeing that it’s his first and he doesn’t know what to do with his hands, but it feels like things are finally falling into place. 

It’s a shorter one than Phil would like, but he’s not complaining. When Dan pulls away, he smiles. “Hi.”

Dan chuckles. “So, that 0.1%? Gone?”

“Most definitely.” Phil bites into his lips. He’s frozen right through the gone and his parents are worried sick so he needs to go home like the dutiful son he is. But he can’t just leave Dan here. “Are you going to be okay?”

“Yeah. Life is truly shit, but I can handle my dad.”

“Okay, good.” He hesitates, then says, “You can always text me if you want someone to talk to.”

Dan nods and hands Phil his phone who promptly punches his number in. Phil then stands and watches Dan who doesn’t move yet. But he does look at Phil and says, “Can I text you if I just want to kiss you?”

Phil smiles awkwardly and nods. “Of course. I hope you will.”

It’s not easy to be a teenager, especially if you’re not straight. Life has its ups and downs and while Phil’s been handed a good deal, while he’s got good and loving parents, he sees that others might not. And through Dan’s eyes, he just saw the other side of the coin, one that’s not always happy.

He thinks about that as he makes his way home through the familiar, yet also almost strange roads. When he pushes his front gate open, his phone buzzes and sees Dan’s name pop up for a second. He smiles and decides there and then that if Dan lets him, he’ll try and make him a bit happier - in whatever shape or form that might be. 

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on tumblr [@outphan](http://outphan.tumblr.com)
> 
> if you like the fic, you can like/reblog it [here](https://outphan.tumblr.com/post/190455307974/born-to-be)


End file.
